Hmmm where to begin?
I guess the reason i am starting this blog is in the hope that i might inspire myself, and help keep my mind on my goal.
My goal is to be healthy both mind and body.
I have depression, have had it a long time. Though have only acknowledged it more so in the last two years. In my teenage years i would easily put it down to my emotions and got over it by hanging out with friends etc.
Being a mother to two very energetic children who have personalities that clash on a daily basis i have been impacted more so as i have responsibilities now. Daily stuff that all adults have to work through. All that and daily bouts of separating fighting siblings, have taken a huge toll on me and my depression.
I was studying acupuncture, something very interesting to me, i loved learning about it, though i am not a science person so i always wondered how i would cope in the science subjects. I didn;t cope, i would forget everything i learnt within an hour i left class, in class i began getting sore tummies and breathing difficulty. I saw natural paths and they kept giving me stress tablets etc and i would think why wasn't anyone listening to me!! I feel sick, this is not stress!
Then it hit me like a tornado. I left class one day after not being able to breathe and within mins i was feeling better. You know what, maybe i was stressed. I didn;t feel it in my mind but i accepted my body chose to feel it and scream at me to notice. So with that and the memory loss i accepted finally i have depression.
That's how i came to be acknowledge i have depression. The other side of my journey is my weight.
To understand that one i have to go back further. My mother had diabetes yet she was overweight, my father is overweight. My brother was over weight. I am over weight. I was skinny as a child so i never accepted my weight gain in all my life.
Growing up in my family we drank coke, we ate share packet of chips to ourselves, we had family blocks of chocolate in one movie session. Weekly we had fish and chips, pizza or Chinese food. My parents would always tell me to lose weight as i didn't want to end up like them. Dad by the time i was a teenager had become a diabetic as well. But i was not encouraged to exercise apart from that statement. I joined basketball once, my mother told me that ladies basketball was boring compared to watching my brother play. Every weekend we went to footy for my brother. I joined little athletics but only dad came with me a few times.
Mum passed away in 2006, five months before my daughter was born. She was in and out of hospital for the first year of my sons life. She died of diabetic related illnesses including kidney failure, she had lost most of one leg and with her body so damaged from diabetes she was unable to heal.
Dad is following the same path, now.
For the first few years i was angry at my parents, especially at my mother. They brought us up on junk food, and never encouraged me to exercise. I hated what she had done and now she had left me! she had never seen my little girl. Kaela is so much like her it is not funny! She has her drive, her independence, her temper. Freakishly Kaela had looked like a splitting image of my mother the day she was born.
That's the two sides of my story. Now it joins, and the journey begins.
Understanding my depression i learnt within myself that mum had depression her whole life. I remembered her telling me how she attempted suicide and was in a mental institution for a bit. Throughout my childhood she would talk about not being around and killing herself. Mum used to work nights growing up and we only saw her before school weekdays and most weekends she worked too as a taxi driver. Later in life she studied in hope "to spend more time with you" but in reality she was too busy studying. Then she was too busy marking papers when she became a teacher.
Now being a mother i can see the resemblance in her life pattern and my own mind. My day i work, i feed and care for my kids but in my mind i am rocking in the corner. I want to run off and not deal with my life but i want to be there for them, i want to work out my issues and be there for them.
Two years ago i lost 10 kilos and were feeling so good about myself then came a big crash and i am still picking up the pieces. I have tried on many accounts to restart the weight loss but i always crashed and comfort eat. It then hit me, mum was depressed, she ate junk food, we ate the junk food with her.... ohhh! she was comfort eating. Since then i no longer feel the hatred towards my up bringing with bad food habits. I wish it was healthier so i had a better start at keeping the diabetes away. But such is life.
I have though, ensured my children understand why too much bad food is bad for our bodies. I never comfort eat in front of my children. I am breaking the cycle, also i completely admit i have depression and have seeked help.
With knowing my depression was out of whack, i forced myself to never feel guilty about comfort eating as i didn't want to start the cycle of being sad = eat= feel guilty = sad = eat etc etc etc So i am at my highest weight now. 140 kilos. Before kids i never in my life wanted to go over 120. So 119 is my first initial goal to get to. Then i will work towards 100 etc.
The reason i am starting this blog as i mentioned before is to give myself the inspiration, and the medium to work through, vent, discuss my many obstacles in journeying down the road of being depressed and losing weight. I almost said 'trying' lol but that isn't positive now is it? :)
I am at this stage of embarking my weight loss journey at this point in time as since the last few years i have finally felt there is a me in this shell of a body and a mind. ME! i finally found me. It has been a struggle, a few med changes and hitting my lowest of self harming. Boy that was a huge wake up call. For the last two weeks i have been feeling fantastic so i am ready to move onward and upward but downward in size :)
Today i have accepted that my heel soreness is due to my weight, so i thought how can i exercise with this damn sore heel. If i rest it then try to walk it is mega painful, it is sore as it is doing my daily job and family life.
I know! i will swim, that way i can exercise without putting weight on it. Gawd i love light bulb moments lol. Today is the first day in goodness how long i have not had chocolate or potato chips. :)
I think that is all for now, that certainly is one big first post.
